


Regrets

by Min_Yoongiverse



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16935042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Min_Yoongiverse/pseuds/Min_Yoongiverse
Summary: We do stupid things when we’re young, naive, and immature. Generally our actions don’t affect us later on in lives. Chan’s, however, comes back to remind him of the person he used to be.Rated Mature for language and sensitive topics such as depression, suicide, and bullying.*Cross posted on Wattpad and AsianFanFics*Started: 12/9/2018Finished: --





	1. Chapter 1

“Come on Chris, you can do it.”

 

“Justin, I really don’t think we should do this,” the boy, whose face was contorted with confusion, said. He held a raw egg in hand and his eyes were set on a plump girl sitting on a table by herself - she was studying for an upcoming test. “This feels mean.”

 

“Come on bro, aren’t you our friend?” The eldest of the small group replied, “She gave me attitude this morning, she deserves this.”

 

Chris shook his head, his mind was telling him how wrong this situation was. Even with all these racing thoughts of how he felt like he was being forced to bully someone, his arm still pulled back and threw the egg directly at the girl’s head. 

 

The girl jolted forward from the impact of the egg and a hand immediately reached up to touch her head. The boys howled with laughter as the girl pulled her hand away at the touch of the yolk. Chan felt his heart drop from guilt as he watched the girl pack up her belongings and head into the girls’ bathroom to clean herself up.

 

“Nice throw Chris!” Youngju, one of Chan’s only Korean friends, smiled and patted Chan’s back. “The egg literally exploded onto her.”

 

“Don’t worry Chris, you won’t get in trouble,” Justin added, “She doesn’t bother to try and snitch anymore.”

 

“How long have you guys been doing this?” Chan asked as they began walking to their next class. 

 

“Two years now?” Youngju asked, “Her reactions were priceless in the beginning. She’s gotten used to it so it’s not as fun but it feels good.”

 

Chan nodded, thinking about what Youngju said. He didn’t feel good at all about what he had done.

 

But that didn’t stop him from getting peer pressured and doing what his friends told him to do. He poured his lunch milk into that poor girl’s backpack, ruined her locker with stinky and rotting food, and even confronted her face to face. His feelings of guilt had eventually subsided and he looked forward every school day to see what his friends would have him do to the girl that day.

 

“Cut her hair.”

 

“What?”

 

Chan looked at Justin dumbfoundedly. Justin’s facial expression didn’t change, “You heard me, cut her hair.” Justin handed Chan a pair of scissors, “You don’t have to cut it all off. Just cut some.”

 

“This is going too far though,” Chan said, “That’s her hair.”

 

“So?” Justin asked, “If you won’t do it, either Youngju or I will.”

 

Knowing that neither of them would care about how much hair they take off, Chan gave a sigh and walked towards the girl who had unluckily worn her hair up in a ponytail. She was faced away from him and when he was behind her he said, “Don’t move.”

 

He could sense her freeze in place, bracing for whatever he would do to her. Quickly, Chan grabbed a part of her ponytail and snipped it off. Hearing the scissors tear through her hair, the girl immediately whipped around - her hand was clutching the area that had been shortened without her permission.

 

That was the first time Chan had seen the girl react to his bullying, and immediately he felt the guilt rise through his body. The girl began to shake from holding in her emotions. She opened her mouth but no words came out. With a shake of her head, the girl turned back around and walked away - she refused to cry in front of him.

 

“See?” Justin said as he came up to Chan’s side and grabbed the lock of hair from Chan’s hand. “Wasn’t so hard was it? Guess you’re just a bit inexperienced at this. Don’t worry, we won’t do more of that anymore. Can’t make her look ugly or else we get caught by her parents.”

 

“I thought she didn’t have any?” Youngju questioned as the school bell rung.

 

“Her Dad and Step-mom lives here and her Mom lives in Korea, you idiot,” Justin rolled his eyes. “You keep believing the false rumors. At least know who you’re bullying.”

 

“I’ll head to class, see you after school,” Chan butted in. The other two gave a nod and went their separate ways.

 

When Chan walked into class, he saw that the girl had put up her hood to cover the noticeable and uneven amount of hair she had. Taking a seat, he spent the rest of class thinking about his morals. When class was over, he turned around to catch the girl’s attention and apologize - but she’d already left. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter since finals is in a few days and I need to get this out or else I'll continue to procrastinate on studying lol

“Can’t believe she fucking left.”

 

“The fuck do you mean you can’t believe it? She was gonna do something to get away from us eventually,” Youngju chuckled as Chan approached them, “It’s better that she left anyways than us getting in trouble.”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“Tristan left our school,” Youngju answered Chan, “She’s moving to Korea.”

 

“Man,” Justin sighed, “The rest of the year is going to be so boring.”

 

“How’d you find this out?” Chan asked as the three headed to homeroom. He was really hoping he’d be able to apologize to her, but now that she’d already left he was stuck with the guilt.

 

“My mom and her step mom are friends,” Youngju answered as they took their seats, “My mom said that she took up her mom’s offer of living in Korea with her and wanted to leave as soon as possible. She’ll be gone for good by Friday.”

 

“She still lives near you right? Down the street of the convenience store?” Chan really needed to get the guilt out of his chest. He had to apologize to her.

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“No reason,” Chan answered coolly, “Thought maybe we could prank her one last time before she leaves, but I think that’s a little too risky.”

 

“I’d be down for that,” Justin chuckled, “Too bad it’s too risky.”

 

When the teacher walked into the classroom, everyone quieted down and allowed for class to commence.

 

Chan lived a little past Youngju and Tristan. To try and see if he could bump into Tristan, he altered his route so that he’d always pass by Tristan’s house on his way home. Days passed and he prayed that she’d come out at the same time he was walking by, but she never did.

 

It was finally Friday and Chan took the turn he’d been taking the last few days when he saw the car that was always in Tristan’s driveway approaching the stoplight. He continued walking and turned his head to scour a familiar face within the car.

 

Immediately he found her staring back at him.

 

He wanted to call out to her. He wanted to mouth the word he had been itching to say to her. 

 

But all he could do was stand and stare at her as the car drove away.

 

And like that, she was gone.

 

He missed his chance.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I still have finals until the 19th but I've been procrastinating and working on this. Hope you guys enjoy~!
> 
> (Just btw it's my first time writing with an intent to finish the story so you might notice that the story is a bit awkward, my apologies, but I'll try to get things rolling.)
> 
> :)

“Chan, let’s go. We’re going to get chicken,” Woojin grinned as he wrapped an arm around the younger’s neck.

 

“Again? Seem to be eating a lot of chicken this week,” Chan chuckled, “Sure, let’s go.”

 

“Which place are we going to this time?” Jisung asked as the guys headed towards the bus stop.

 

“Let’s go to the one near our company,” Jeongin answered, “Then we can visit Jaebeom and the others.” 

 

When the bus arrived, the boys got on and immediately headed towards the back where they usually sit. Chan scanned for the familiar face he briefly saw through the window and laid his eyes upon the girl sitting by herself.

 

It was Tristan.

 

Chan wanted to go up to her, but the boys pretty much hustled him towards the back as fast as they could so they could sit down. He’d been trying to search for her all these years since he had moved to Korea to train, but he was never lucky.

 

“Isn’t she a YG trainee?” Changbin asked and pointed to the girl as the boys settled down in their seats. “She used to train at our company.”

 

At the sound of that, Chan turned his head. “She used to be in our company?” Chan asked, unbelieving that she was closer to him than he thought.

 

“Yeah, she joined our company for a few months after leaving SM. Hyunjin and I trained with her for a little while,” Changbin answered, “You never met her? She’s from Australia too. When she left she went to VIXX’s company then joined YG. She’s set to debut in the next month or so according to a few friends of mine. I was sure you guys had met.”

 

“Her name is Tristan right?” Chan asked. It’s been years since he said that name and doing so brought chills down his spine.

 

“Oh yeah! I totally forgot!” Hyunjin said, “Chan, do you know her?”

 

“Why?” Chan asked, worried that maybe she’d told them who he was to her.

 

“We used to talk a little since we were training together,” Hyunjin answered, “I wanted her to meet you guys because she’s really fun, but she’d always ask who I was meeting and whenever I said your name she refused.” 

 

“Tristan,” Changbin called out in a hushed tone. “Tristan!”

 

“What are you doing?” Chan asked worriedly. He wasn’t ready to face Tristan just yet. 

 

Thankfully for Chan, Tristan didn’t respond because she was listening to music.

 

“Don’t call her,” Chan said as Tristan stood up from , “Let’s not be a bother to her.”

 

“Looks like she’s leaving anyways,” Seungmin added as the bus came slowed down. Tristan looked back to her seat to make sure she didn’t leave anything behind.

 

“Tristan!” Hyunjin called out. He wanted to say hi at the very least. Tristan looked up and laid her eyes upon the nine members. With a small smile, Tristan bowed and waved to Hyunjin and Changbin. When she met eyes with Chan, her expression faltered and with a curt turn, got off the bus.

 

“Chan, you never answered Hyunjin’s question,” Woojin started as Chan watched the girl get on her skateboard and ride away. “Are you acquainted with Tristan?”

 

“We went to middle school together,” Chan answered.

 

“By the way she looked at you it doesn’t seem like you two are on good terms,” Minho said. “Did something happen between you two?”

 

Chan gave a big sigh as he allowed the memories to resurface, “I used to bully her.”

 

“Huh?” 

 

The others looked at their leader weirdly. To them, they believed that Chan wouldn’t hurt a fly. “You were a bully Chan?”

 

“At first I was peer pressured to,” Chan started, “Then eventually, I’d gotten so used to it that for a while I was having fun bullying her. This went on for a year, and eventually the other people who bullied her told me to cut her hair. Usually she didn’t react to us when we bothered her, but when I cut her hair, I immediately regretted it. I’d never seen her look so upset.”

 

“So how’d you stop?” Felix asked.

 

“She left school and moved here,” Chan answered, “I wanted to apologize to her before she left Australia, but I wasn’t able to. When I moved here, I tried looking for her to see if I could get a hold of her. I’ve never seen her until now.”

 

“Wow, I’m sorry but you were a terrible person to her,” Jisung awed, “Before you started bullying her, did you bully anyone else?”

 

“No, no, no,” Chan refuted, “Not at all, I just hung around the wrong crowd. I let them influence me and I just made stupid decisions.”

 

“Shouldn’t you tell this JYP?” Jeongin asked, “She’s debuting. It’d be bad if someone recognized the both of you and brought this up online.”

 

“I told him when I came to Korea,” Chan leaned back in his seat, “I’ve been regretting what I did for years. I just don’t have the courage to face her, or when I do I can never get a hold of her.”

 

“Do you want me to set up a meeting with her?” Hyunjin asked, “I still have her number.”

 

“Can I have it?” Chan asked, “I’d rather just talk to her directly.”

 

Hyunjin nodded and texted Chan the information. Sensing that the atmosphere was a little tense, Woojin gave a sigh, “Well, all you can do is try to talk to her and ask for forgiveness. Nothing you can do to change what’s already been done. Now, let’s all enjoy some chicken. We have a few hours before we have practice.”

 

With that, the boys got off at their stop.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!

Two months had passed when with Tristan’s contact information, Chan was still too afraid to reach out to her. She’d debuted in a five member group called Cloud9 that had quickly grown popular. 

 

“You still haven’t talked to her?” Woojin asked as they were getting ready for their performance. “Cloud9 is only a few rooms down if you want to meet her in person.”

 

“Did you know they’re covering ‘I Am You’?” Hyunjin asked as the stylist curled his hair, “They sound so good!”

 

“Are they really?” Chan asked as he turned on the TV, Cloud9 would be performing next. The familiar beat of ‘I Am You’ came on and the girls performed the two verses and chorus before it faded into their debut song called ‘Myself’. 

 

“What’s Tristan’s role in the group?” Jisung asked, “Is she the rapper? She performed Changbin’s part.”

 

“She’s the main vocal,” Hyunjin answered.

 

“They have two rappers, why did Tristan perform that part?” Minho asked as Cloud9 finished their performance.

 

“The other rapper is from Los Angeles and isn’t fluent in Korean and Changbin’s part is really fast, so they decided to give Tristan the role,” Hyunjin replied as the stylist finished his hair with hairspray. “That’s what Tristan told me at least, and she likes that part of the song so I think she already knew the lyrics.”

 

When the commotion of an idol being escorted to their room or the stage was growing loud within the hall Hyunjin heard a familiar voice. “I hear Tristan!” Hyunjin grinned as he got up out of his seat. The stylist had to quickly tell him to stay still for a moment and sprayed his hair with hairspray before letting him run out of the room. “Tristan!”

 

“Oh, you surprised me,” A voice said as Hyunjin gave a big roar. A chorus of greetings came from the rest of Cloud9. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready? You guys are performing soon.”

 

“You guys did a good job with your performance!” Hyunjin grinned, “Come on, I want you to meet the rest of my members. You remember Changbin right?”

 

“Hyunjin, you know I have bad anxiety,” Tristan whined as she allowed herself to get dragged inside their changing room.

 

“Hey, Minho is changing!” One of the stylist gave out a yell. Immediately, chaos ensued and everyone began to yell as Cloud9 ran out of the room. 

 

“Hyunjin, you rascal,” Minho chuckled as Hyunjin followed Tristan out. 

 

“Oh thank god my anxiety can’t take this,” Tristan let out as her voice rang through the halls.

 

“Come on! At least let me give you a hug!” Hyunjin whined as Tristan let out a squeal. “Ouch! Okay, you don’t need to hit me. Come here!”

 

“What in the world is going on over there?” Woojin laughed as Tristan squealed again.

 

“Minho, are you done changing?” Hyunjin asked as he poked his head into the room.

 

“Yeah,” Minho answered as he put on his shirt.

 

With a grin, Hyunjin retracted away from the door and ran over to Cloud9’s changing room. “No! Hyunjin! I said my anxiety!”

 

“Come on, I’ll be there with you!” Hyunjin said he dragged both Tristan and Cloud9’s other rapper, Chungmi, into the room.

 

“Tristan!” Changbin smiled as Tristan immediately hid behind Hyunjin. “It’s been a long time, can I have a hug?”

 

Tristan nodded and walked up to Changbin with open arms. With a whine, Hyunjin asked, “How come he got his so easily but I had to get hit in order to get mine?”

 

“Because you know how I feel about being forced into social situations,” Tristan answered as she wrapped her arms around Changbin’s waist. By this point, the rest of Cloud9 were waiting patiently at the door to follow Tristan’s lead. 

 

“Let’s greet,” Cloud9’s official leader, Lumi, said. The girls nodded and on the count of three said, “We’re on Cloud9! Hello, we’re Cloud9.”

 

Stray Kids gave a cheer as the girls straightened up from their bow. “Tristan, you’re the same age as Changbin right?” Woojin asked as Changbin fixed Tristan’s hair.

 

Tristan nodded as the other girls of Cloud9 began to make conversation with the other members of Stray Kids. “They had all the trainees of the same age train with each other for a little while, that’s how I know Changbin. Then when they began to mix the ages that’s how I met Hyunjin.”

 

“I’m still your favorite right?” Hyunjin said as he made a loving face towards Tristan. 

 

“So Changbin, you still owe me boba,” Tristan began - completely ignoring Hyunjin’s kissing faces.

 

“I’ll make sure to call you up when I’m free,” Changbin chuckled as Hyunjin gave a whine about how Tristan always favored Changbin over him. 

 

As Changbin and Hyunjin caught up with Tristan, the rest of Cloud9 kept Chan and the others busy. They knew about Tristan’s history with Chan. When Tristan said she was still a bit scared of Chan they suggested that they keep him busy by separating the group into a different conversation. It was working perfectly, Chan gave glances towards Tristan, wishing he had the courage to excuse himself from the conversation and ask Tristan to talk privately with him.

 

“You’ve got three minutes,” A staff member called out as another performance finished on the TV.

 

“We’ll be taking our leave now,” Yoonmi, the youngest of Cloud9, said. 

 

“It was really nice to meet you guys,” Joonhee, the rapper from America, added. “Good luck with the performance!”

 

“Thank you guys!” Chan smiled as they began to leave the room. When he looked towards Hyunjin, he could see from his face that he was having a serious conversation with Tristan and Changbin. Thinking that maybe he could have a short conversation with her, he began to approach the three.

 

“I’ll get going. I don’t want to make you guys late for your performance,” Tristan began just as he came up to her from behind. 

 

“Chan, you don’t have your mic on!” one of the stylists called out.

 

“Ah, I don’t?” Chan asked as he realized he couldn’t feel the wire of his mic. The stylist ran up to him and handed him the mic for him to set up on his person - giving Tristan the perfect opportunity to excuse herself and leave the room. Chan gave a sigh, “Seems like it’s always a bad time for me to talk to her.”

 

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but I don’t think Tristan wants to talk to you anytime soon,” Hyunjin began nervously, “She’s told us that you still give her anxiety. She said she knows that you’ve grown out of the bullying and have matured, but she’s still worried that you might hurt her.”

 

Chan felt the familiar pang of guilt hit hard. He knew that even after all these years, she’d still see him as a potential danger. “I had a feeling she would feel that way towards me.”

 

“I think eventually she’ll be able to relax around you,” Jeongin said as the staff member came back to guide them towards the stage. “It just takes time. We’re going to have to figure out how to get you two to even interact with each other though.

 

“It’ll happen eventually, let’s not try to force it,” Felix said, “Their relationship is already fragile as is.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter   
> But happy new year!   
> Welcome to 2019 \o/

“Chan, I personally don’t think I should let you see this, but I think you’d eventually see it. Look up the highlights of Hello Counselor’s most recent episode. Tristan was a guest on the show,” Woojin said when he poked his head into Chan and Changbin’s room.

 

Chan nodded and went onto YouTube to search up the newest highlights, worried that maybe Tristan had exposed him.

 

“How long have you suspected that your child is being bullied?” Shin Dong Yup asked the guest who had sent in their concern, their name was Mingi.

 

“I believe it’s been going on for 3 years now,” Mingi answered as she wiped a few stray tears, “Sometimes my daughter, Yuri, ditches class, comes home early when she’s not allowed to, or even pretends to be sick. She doesn’t want to go to school and I know it’s because someone is bullying her.”

 

Eventually, Mingi broke into tears, “I just want her to know that I’m here for her. That she can talk to me. I don’t want her to be suffering all by herself. I’m her mother, I need to know if things like this are happening.”

 

“Let’s meet the daughter now,” Lee Youngja began and greeted the daughter, “Are you having problems at school?”

 

“No, I’m not,” Yuri answered with a shake of her head, “I don’t know how she came to the conclusion that I’m being bullied.”

 

“I’d see small bruises here and there,” Mingi answered profusely, “Whenever I ask about them she tells me that she just tripped and hit something, but she’s never that clumsy. Then she starts to ditch class or miss school completely. Then one day, she comes home crying and her hair is cut short, uneven, and hideous. Yuri loves her hair, she would never let anyone touch it.”

 

“I told you I cut it! Mom I’m fine!” Yuri finally broke and bursted into tears. “People hate me at school and I don’t understand why. I want to move schools but I don’t want to move houses because then you’d be burdened.”

 

“I don’t care if we have to move! I care if you’re learning in a safe environment, I want you to have friends, I want you to have fun. You only get one try at childhood, and I want you to have a good one,” Mingi replied and buried her face in her hands.

 

As Youngja comforted Mingi, Kim Taegyun was surprised to see Tristan crying, “Oh, Tristan why are you crying?”

 

“Who’s cutting onions in here?” Tristan answered with a quivering voice as she hid her face with one hand and wiped her eyes with another. She wanted to loosen the tense atmosphere, but failed to keep her emotions in check. “Yuri, please just talk to your mom.”

 

“Have you had a similar experience?” Dongyup asked softly as he handed Tristan tissues. 

 

Tristan nodded but before she could elaborate, she began to cry harder. Typically known for being a reticent person, her sobs were a surprise everyone. 

 

“When I was still in Australia, I skipped the 5th grade and went into the 6th grade. I was two years younger than everyone and two boys began to bully me because I was easier to pick on. They went to the same middle school as me after that year, so they continued bullying me with another boy who they befriended,” Tristan began, shaking from the amount of emotions running through her, “They threw eggs at me, poured milk onto me, called me names. I didn’t have any friends to help me out because whoever helped me risked getting bullied too. I didn’t know how to get out of the situation, my parents had divorced and my mom was living in Korea while I stayed with my dad and step-mom. I always video called my mom every night, but sometimes I wouldn’t call or answer because I was stressed. She’d ask if school was going well and I would lie, she’d ask if I would ever show her my friends but I told her they were always busy - but in reality I just didn’t have any. One day the boys cut my hair and I went home and immediately called my mom to tell her I didn’t want to live in Australia anymore. I finally told her about the bullying and she and my dad allowed me to move to Korea.”

 

“Have you gone back to Australia since then?” Dongyup asked as Lumi comforted Tristan. 

 

“I did a few times to visit my dad. When I went back one of the bullies still lived in the same neighborhood as me. I didn’t want to do it, but my dad had me talk to two of them privately - away from our parents. It had been about 3 years since I had been in Australia. We were in our second to last years of high school and they had grown out of their old ways. I found out that one of them was being abused by their parents during our time as classmates and after middle school, had been taken away by child protective services and was placed into a foster home. The other was stressed about the fact that he wasn’t doing well in school and was taking it out on me since I was doing well. After having that talk, we became friends. Yuri, please talk about what’s going on, it will help you. I promise you.”

 

“What happened to the third one?” Yuri asked as tears traveled down her cheeks. She had related to what Tristan had said and emotions were also running high within her.

 

“I never talked to him after I left,” Tristan replied. “I have seen him a few times in Korea, but I stay clear of him. The other two peer pressured him into bullying me, and eventually he had gotten so used to doing it that it became more natural to him and did whatever they told him to do to me. I know he’s matured for sure and he’s a nice person now, but I’m still a little scared by him.”

 

“So you know him?” Youngja asked as Mingi stopped crying.

 

“Yes, and some of my friends are friends with him as well. They tell me all the time about how nice he is, but like with the other two, it takes time for the painful memories to subside,” Tristan answered as she began to calm down. “If I hadn’t talked to my mom, I’d still probably be in Australia.”

 

“After this, I’m certain that someone will come forward and say that you were that third person,” Woojin said from behind, scaring Chan. 

 

“What am I supposed to do?” Chan worried with a frown and ran his hand through his hair, “I really do feel bad about what I did to her. I did try to make an effort to contact with her.”

 

“Let it happen,” Woojin answered, “Let someone call you out on it. Own up to it, you can’t erase that part of your past anyways.” Chan sighed and laid back in his chair.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops
> 
> sorry for the delay, college started back up again and I've gotten really busy studying and whatnot. however, I do have a bunch of chapters pre-written already, so when i can edit and go over them, they'll get posted! 
> 
> thanks for the support!

Like Woojin had predicted a past classmate had gone onto the Naver portal and posted anonymously about how Chan was the third bully in Tristan’s story.

 

_ “A lot of us felt bad that we didn’t do anything to help Tristan, but we were also scared to get bullied - so we cowardly let her take the fall. Thankfully, after seeing that Tristan has made amends with two of the bullies it personally brings me much relief that she can come back home to Australia and not still be in fear of them. However, seeing that he is now a successful idol and that he and Tristan have yet to make amends, I hope Bang Chan, the leader of Stray Kids, will take responsibility for what he did to Tristan when they were younger and reach out to her to ask for forgiveness.” _

 

“Chan, is this true?” Jimin, a good friend of Chan and the host of After School Club, asked during a call. The news that he was the third bully had blown up and a lot of fans were divided on whose side to take, his or Tristan’s. “Were you really like that?”

 

“I was,” Chan replied, “When I cut her hair, I felt so bad. I’ve been wanting to tell her I was sorry, that I know I’m responsible for doing that and that I wanted to make things better between us. But I wasn’t able to.”

 

“She hasn’t addressed the issue yet, but you should,” Jimin started, “Your company is going to make you address it either way.”

 

“I know, I know,” Chan answered with a heavy sigh. “I’ll talk to you later, my manager is bringing me to YG to talk to Tristan.

 

“Okay, good luck,” Jimin said, “I hope everything goes well.” Chan gave his thanks and hung up the call to meet with their manager.

 

In the car on the way to YG, Chan asked, “Did Tristan ask to set up this meeting?”

 

“No,” their manager, Minwoo, answered, “The company set it up, I’m just worried that Tristan doesn’t know about this and will refuse to go through with the meeting.”

 

“Tristan doesn’t know about this?” Chan worriedly asked, “There’s no way. If she doesn’t know about this I’m pretty sure she’ll refuse to even speak to me.”

 

“Let’s just hope for the best,” Minwoo sighed, “I don’t know how the meeting is supposed to go, but they’ll tell us when we get there.”

 

When Chan and Minwoo arrived at the building, Cloud9’s manager, Jinyoung, greeted them at the door. “Hi, thanks for coming. Tristan’s in her studio, there you guys can talk privately.”

 

“Is she expecting me?” Chan asked as they entered the building and into the elevator.

 

“Not exactly?” Jinyoung answered, “We know that she wouldn’t agree to meeting you. So we reached out to her parents and asked them how they had made her talk to the other two boys. They set up the meeting without her knowing and forced her to talk privately with them. The boys knew what was going on, but she didn’t.”

 

“I thought she had bad anxiety,” Chan started as they reached the fifth floor. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

 

“There’s no other way we can do this if she refuses to even look at you,” Jinyoung sighed and led them to a door that had the plaque,  _ Tristan Yoo _ , glued onto it. “This is it. Good luck.”

 

Chan nodded as Jinyoung opened the door, “Tristan?”

 

“Yeah?” Tristan turned off the music that was playing, Chan assumed that it was a new song she was working on.

 

“Someone is here to see you, I’m letting them in,” Jinyoung said and allowed Chan to walk inside. 

 

Tristan immediately greeted Chan out of respect when he came into view and frowned when Jinyoung didn’t come into the room like she expected him to. “I’ll be upstairs with the others.”

 

Before Tristan could ask him what’s going on, he closed the door - leaving her to face Chan alone. “Do you know why I’m here?” Chan asked as he sat down on the couch, giving Tristan plenty of personal space. 

 

“The Naver post?” Tristan asked, she had begun to fiddle with the hem of her shirt, an anxious habit of hers. She felt her ears grow hot and her heart begin to race. When Chan nodded she muttered under her breath, “I had a feeling that they would do this.”

 

“Are you still afraid of me?”

 

Chan watched as Tristan looked down, unsure of how to answer. “It’s okay if you still are. I understand that I’ve hurt you too much to think kindly of me.”

 

For a few seconds, the two sat there. Tristan didn’t know what to say because she wasn’t ready to face him just yet - she was barely keeping her composure and not letting herself succumb to another anxiety attack. “You probably wish you’d never have to see me again, do you?”

 

Tristan gave a nod, much to Chan’s dismay.

 

Chan nodded and cleared his throat, “That’s understandable. But can you do me one favor?” Tristan nodded. “Sit in front of me. I want to be able to hold your hands.”

 

Tristan froze. Going any closer to him already was the last thing she’d want to do. “Huh?”

 

“I want to apologize to you while holding your hands so that this doesn’t feel forced,” Chan answered and moved closer to the edge of the sofa. “I want it to be meaningful.”

 

It took Tristan a bit, but she eventually inched her chair closer to Chan until she was directly in front of him. Chan held out his hands and gave Tristan the time to think about whether or not to she would actually hold them. When she finally, albeit slowly, placed her right hand onto his, Chan gave a mental note of it and retracted his left hand while gently gripping onto her right. “Do you still remember the first thing I did to you? I threw that egg to your head.”

 

Tristan nodded as the memories began to resurface. She could feel herself getting emotional again, but she was doing her best to keep herself calm and kept her head down to avoid Chan’s searching eyes.

 

“I felt guilty at first for doing so,” Chan continued, “But then Youngju and Justin encouraged me and told me that it was normal to do that kind of stuff to you. So I followed their lead. I did whatever they asked me to do to gain their friendship, all of it at the expense of your dignity. I humiliated you, I broke you down, and I disregarded you as a person.”

 

Tristan sat silently, overwhelmed with Chan’s words. “You don’t have to forgive me for what I did, but after I cut your hair and I saw how upset you were, I felt so guilty. It was the first time I’d seen you react to our actions, and it made me realize what I’d done. I wanted to say sorry to you that day and try to fix the damage that I had caused, but I wasn’t able to. I’m asking you to let me gain your trust. This isn’t about my reputation as an idol, this is about building a friendship with you, which is what I should have done in the first place. I would hate to have you live your life stressed from trying to avoid me at any event that our groups are attending.”

 

Chan circled his thumbs softly on Tristan’s skin as he looked for a reaction on her face. She stared at their hands, still trying to maintain her composure. “Saying sorry won’t erase what I’ve done to you. But I do regret my actions.”

 

With that, Tristan let a tear fall and began to talk. “W-when I came to JYP as a trainee, Hyunjin and Changbin were my first close friends because I didn’t make any at SM nor in Australia. I still had extreme anxiety back then, but they helped me get better. Then they told me how they wanted me to meet someone they looked up to, someone they felt that I’d get along with. When they told me your name, my anxiety came back. I thought that if I met with you, you’d continue to bully me. That you’d turn Hyunjin and Changbin against me. I didn’t want to face you or feel the familiar sense of betrayal - so I moved to VIXX’s company.”

 

Chan nodded, feeling his guilt grow heavier with each word. “I was alone again with no friends at the company, but I still talked to Hyunjin and Changbin here and there. Sanghyuk said I looked lonely around the company even when there would be trainees surrounding me and befriending each other. He told me that I reminded him of Leo, and began to talk to me more often. I told him about the bullying and the other members of VIXX began to support me more. I went back to Australia sometime during my years with the company, and when I came back and told them that I became friends with Youngju and Justin, they told me they couldn’t have been anymore proud of me for facing them. I was a backup dancer for them and performed with them during one of their festival performances. I was a beat behind during some parts of the song, and some of the other trainees criticized me for it. I had a panic attack in the bathroom because I was scared I’d be let go from the company. I bumped into Namjoon from BTS on the way to the bathroom but I ran past without saying sorry.”

 

Tristan took a deep breath as she continued on and tears were beginning to slip, “I apologized to him eventually, and confessed that I was worried I’d be let go from the company because of my poor performance. Namjoon could relate to my fears and comforted me. I spent years anxious about my self worth, because of you.”

 

Those last three words froze Chan.

 

“I still question my worth. I question if I’m ever good enough for my group. I worry that my status as an idol is on thin ice, that I might get dropped from the group. You guys made me feel worthless. Made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I was a nobody. I thought I’d never be able to make real life friends. All I had back then was music, video games, and my online friends that I’d befriended through games. They didn’t make fun of my weight because they couldn’t see what I looked like. They liked me for who I was as a person, they and everyone I’ve met on my journey to be where I am. You bullied me because you wanted to become friends with Youngju and Justin? That’s your reason? You said you felt guilty but you kept going. Tell me why I shouldn’t think that you’re doing all this this so that I can just tell the general public that we’re on good terms now?”

 

Stunned, Chan’s grip on Tristan’s hand loosened. He didn’t know to say, but he knew that this conversation wasn’t going the way he had hoped it would. “There’s no way for you to know whether or not my words actually mean anything and what my intentions are. But I want to prove to you, that I’m no longer the person you knew me to be. Even if I leave here without your forgiveness, that’s fine. I’m willing to earn your trust if you’ll let me.”

 

Tristan nodded and tightened her grip, “It wouldn’t be fair if I forgave Justin and Youngju but not you - so I will. But it’s hard for me to trust people easily, and the other two are still doing their parts to earn my trust. But do what you will.” 

 

With a smile Chan wrapped his arms around Tristan, “Thank you. I won’t fail you, I promise.”

  
  
  


“How’d your talk with her go?” Minwoo asked as Chan walked up to the car. 

 

“She forgave me, but doesn’t trust me, so I’m willing to do whatever to befriend her,” Chan answered, “We’re not on bad terms anymore, that’s all that matters to me.”

 

“That’s good,” Minwoo said as the two got in to head over to a schedule. “What are you planning to do to become friends?”

 

“I don’t know just yet, but I’ll do whatever it takes.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, hit a bit of a bump now that school has started. Enjoy!

“Tristan never tells me she’s at the same event as us!” Hyunjin cried as he ran out of the room, “That girl I swear!”

 

“It’s cuz you annoy her!” Changbin called out with a laugh. 

 

“Tristan come here!” Hyunjin yelled as a familiar squeal rang through the halls. 

 

“Hey! We have to go out for the opening ceremony soon!” Minwoo ordered as he looked outside the hall. “Why do you have to bother that girl every time you guys happen to be at the same event?”

 

“Tristan, tell them you love this!” Hyunjin whined. When Tristan didn’t respond, Hyunjin gave another whine. “I swear to god I hate you sometimes.”

 

“This boy,” Minwoo rolled his eyes as the boys followed him towards the entrance to the main area of the stadium.

 

“Hello!” Cloud9 greeted as they followed Stray Kids out. Stray Kids lined up in front of TWICE while Cloud9 lined up behind VIXX in the line to the right. 

 

Overjoyed to see her close friends, Tristan poked Hyuk’s shoulder. “Sanghyuk!”

 

“Tristan! Long time no see,” Sanghyuk smiled as Leo turned around. “How are you? You haven’t texted back in a while.”

 

“I switched phone numbers, I texted Taekwoon that,” Tristan answered. “He didn’t tell you? I thought you’d gotten too busy to text me too.”

 

“Uhh,” Leo began, “I might have forgotten to relay that.”

 

Hyuk and Tristan gave a chuckle.

 

“I’ve never seen her so friendly towards anyone other than her members and us,” Changbin’s whisper reached Chan’s ears even though it was only meant for Hyunjin. He was watching Tristan’s interactions from the corner of his eyes and felt like he was seeing a completely different Tristan.

 

“Sometimes she’s not even that friendly with me,” Hyunjin added.

 

“Oh shut up, you know she’s just giving you a hard time,” Changbin chuckled as the ceremony began.

 

After the ceremony, Cloud9 sat with VIXX who was their male part of their team. “You know, here would be a good place to show both fandoms that you guys are on good terms,” Minho said as Stray Kids sat with TWICE.

 

“I know it is, but I don’t know how I’d go about doing that,” Chan answered as Tristan was enjoying her time with VIXX. When Lumi gave Tristan and Sanghyuk fans to keep themselves cool the two immediately gave each other glances before dancing to Shangri-La, bringing joy to the overlooking fans. “Though it’s really nice to see her enjoying the event.”

 

“You know how to be nice to people, it shouldn't be hard to do the same with her. It’s only hard because you’re being awkward about it,” Woojin added as he sat down, “She’s doing the 4x100 meter race, give her water when she’s done with her lap or something.”

 

Chan nodded as Tristan followed Lumi, Joonhee and Yoonmi to the designated waiting area for the race. Lumi started the race off. She was slower than the other competitors, much to Cloud9’s surprise, and was the third runner to hand over their baton. Joonhee tried her best to catch up during her lap, but was only able to keep their place at third. Thankfully, Joonhee was able to pass the second place runner.

 

“Come on Joonhee! You can do it!” Tristan called out, “Just a little bit more!” 

 

With the last of her energy, Joonhee pushed herself past the current first place runner and handed Tristan the baton. As he was on the way to the cooler with water, Chan watched with awe as Tristan bolted around the track. She’d gained such a difference between her and the second place runner that it stunned a lot of idols who were watching. Tristan crossed the finish line with a smile and gave Joonhee a hug. “Good job, I knew you could do it.”

 

On the way back to where Stray Kids was sitting, Chan handed Tristan a bottle of water. “Good job, Tristan. The way you ran so fast and created such a difference was really cool.”

 

Elated by her win, Tristan accepted the bottle with a smile and gave a bow of thanks, “Thanks. Good luck in your 60 meter run.”

 

Chan thanked her before walking back to his original place with Stray Kids and TWICE. “Nice, the fans seemed to like that interaction,” Jisung said as Cloud9 went back to rest next to VIXX. “She doesn’t seem as awkward with you anymore, that meeting must have really helped her.”

 

“I can still feel some sense of awkwardness, but she’s definitely not as cold as she was before,” Chan noted as he noticed Tristan began to dance to VIXX songs with Sanghyuk and allowed for Cloud9 and VIXX to guess what the song was.

 

“Please stop, that song is so old it’s embarrassing!” Ravi whined asSanghyukand Tristan danced to On and On. 

 

“I’m surprised Sanghyuk still remembers the choreography,” Tristan laughed as Sanghyuk struggled to remember the choreography in time. Tired out, Sanghyuk sat down.

 

“She’s nothing like Taekwoon,” Sanghyuk panted and took a sip of water. “How did we ever think that?”

 

“Because that was before we found out she had this whole friendly side to her,” Hongbin answered as he placed a bear hat onto Tristan’s head. “You know it’s only with us and her close friends that she’s this energetic.”

 

“Plus I’m bored,” Tristan chuckled as she played with nose of the bear hat.

 

“Hey, so what’s going on with you and Bang Chan? Are you guys okay now?” N asked as the 60 meter race was being set up. Tristan watched as Chan warmed up, she noticed his prominent features - mainly his dimples.

 

“I’ve never hated him for what he did to me. It’s hard for me to hate someone,” Tristan answered, “I was only afraid and distrustful of him. But, he says he’s willing to do whatever to be friends. It’s easier than feeling like he’ll turn everyone against me in the future I guess.”

 

“We’d never turn our backs on you,” Ken frowned as he gave a reassuring pat to Tristan’s shoulder. “You’re family.”

 

“My heart,” Chungmi said and overdramatically clutched her chest, “This is too sweet for it.” Everyone gave a laugh as the 60 meter race commenced. “Go Leo!”

 

“I can’t believe you guys actually made him do the race,” Tristan chuckled as Leo sprinted down the track. “Actually, I’m surprised you guys are even intact right now.”

 

“He was told to do it by one of the high ups,” Ravi laughed as Leo tied with Chan for first place. Cloud9 erupted into cheers as Leo tiredly trudged over and laid down. 

 

“I did not like that,” Leo breathed as N placed a cold pack onto his forehead. “Not at all.”

 

“That was entertaining to watch,” Hongbin chuckled and handed the elder a bottle of water. “What’s happening now? The wrestling matches right?”

 

“Oh yeah! Tristan, you’re doing it for the women’s portion!”Sanghyuk recalled, “I thought you didn’t like to do those kinds of things. Have you been practicing?”

 

“Yeah, she has and it hurts everytime she throws us down,” Lumi answered and massaged Tristan’s shoulders. “She’s the only reason why the rest of us are in any shape to take part in it.” Tristan chuckled and watched as the wrestling tournament went underway. Cloud9 won their preliminary and quarterfinal matches, allowing them to face TWICE’s Jeongyeon, Momo, and Nayeon in the finals.

 

Tristan was the first to go, and she would be facing Jeongyeon. The two bowed before stepping into the ring and sitting in front of each other. “Good luck,” Jeongyeon gave a smile.

 

“Good luck,” Tristan returned the smile and, at the same time as Jeongyeon, grabbed each other’s belts. Still holding on, the two stood up and anxiously awaited the whistle to ring.

 

As she focused on listening for the whistle, Tristan picked up a command that froze her.

 

_ “Beat her!” _

 

She didn’t know where it came from or why someone would be speaking English, but it sounded eerily like Youngju’s even though Tristan knew that he was in the army and wouldn’t be attending the event. It was rasped and demanding, just like the way Youngju would say it when whenever he told Chan to slap her.

 

**_“Beat her!”_ **

 

When the whistle blew, Tristan’s instinctively kicked into complete flight-or-fight mode. With strength that she had only from the adrenaline, Tristan practically picked Jeongyeon up and pushed her onto the floor with her body. Immediately, Tristan untangled herself from Jeongyeon’s belt and helped her up.

 

“Wow,” Jeongyeon breathed as the two bowed once more, “That was incredible, you’re really strong.”

 

“Thank you,” Tristan gave a forced smile and shook hands with Jeongyeon once more before returning to the waiting Chungmi and Lumi.

 

“Are you okay?” Lumi asked as Chungmi walked up to the ring to prepare. She had noticed the slight changes in Tristan’s face, from the moment she’d heard those two words to the moment the referee blew the whistle. 

 

“Can I go to the bathroom? I’ve been holding it in,” Tristan lied and shoved her hands into her pockets to hide the fact that she was trembling. “I drank too much water before the match.”

 

“Are you able to wait just a little longer?” Lumi asked with a frown, she generally didn’t like it when Tristan refused to let her know that her anxiety was the cause of her odd behavior and was pushing for a more direct answer.

 

Tristan shook her head, “Please, I need to go.” 

 

Hearing Tristan’s voice almost falter at the end of her plea, Lumi nodded. At once, Tristan turned around and looked for Jinyoung. 

 

He patted his chest with an open hand and and mouthed the words, “Are you okay?”

 

As Tristan walked over to him, she patted her chest with an open hand and then did so again with a closed fist. It was their secret way of telling each other that Tristan was going to have a panic or anxiety attack. 

 

When Jinyoung was still new to being their manager, he didn’t fully understand how bad Tristan’s anxiety was and ignored the signs she tried to convey to him before the rehearsal of their debut showcase. Unable to verbally and comfortably tell him she wasn’t feeling well, she hid away in the bathroom to calm down and forced staff, her group mates, and anyone who wasn’t working to look for her. Since then, Jinyoung was always the first to know whether or not Tristan was having an attack.

 

Jinyoung met Tristan halfway and escorted her inside the halls. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall bang chan and day6's jae are the loml's

“What’s going on with Tristan?” Hyunjin asked as he, Changbin, and Chan noticed Tristan’s troubled aura. 

 

“You didn’t recognize the signs?” Changbin asked in a hushed tone. He wanted to keep the conversation out of Chan’s earshot, but he was never really good at whispering. “She’s having a panic attack.”

 

Hyunjin looked at Changbin, “I’ve never seen her have one. You have?”

 

“Remember how we wanted Tristan to meet Chan when we were trainees? When I told her his name she had a full blown panic attack. I stayed with her for an hour in one of the empty dance rooms just comforting her,” Changbin answered. “The signs were all there. She shoved her hands into her pocket because she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s shaking, her steps are hurried, and she has a worried look on her face - I just want to know what triggered it just now.”

 

“Let’s check up on her,” Hyunjin suggested, “You’ve been with her through one attack, maybe she’ll be ok if you were there for this one.”

 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Chan casually informed the rest of the group - making the younger ones back off on their plan, and got up to enter the same hallway entrance that Tristan had taken. Minwoo stepped up to him, slowing down Chan’s pace.

 

“Whatcha need?” 

 

“I just wanted to go to the bathroom,” Chan answered as Minwoo joined his side.

 

“Use the one closer to TWICE’s waiting room,” Minwoo answered and forced Chan to make a left turn instead of the right that he wanted to take. From down the hall, Chan could hear muffled sobs and turned around to see Jinyoung lean his head on the door of Cloud9’s waiting room.

 

“I told them not to lock the door,” Jinyoung sighed and turned to look at Tristan. She was trembling and  silently sobbing on the floor. 

 

“What’s going on?” Chan asked as Minwoo began to push him towards the bathroom. Sanghyuk stepped into the hall and looked both ways to see where Tristan was.

 

“It’s okay Tristan,” Sanghyuk cooed as he walked up to her, crouched down and rubbed her back. “No one is going to hurt you.”

 

“I didn’t want you to see this,” Minwoo lowly said, and nudged Chan once more towards the bathroom. “She said she heard someone say something similar to what the boys told you when they wanted you to hit her. She said it was the words ‘beat her’. She said it sounded like Youngju when he would say it to you and it triggered those memories of you slapping her.”

 

With a nod, Chan turned away and went to the bathroom. He thought of what he could do to help Tristan - seeing her in pain broke his heart.

 

When he came out of the bathroom,Sanghyuk was telling her he had to go since he was participating in archery portion of the event. “I’ll be back as fast as I can, okay?”

 

Tristan nodded as Sanghyuk got up and turned toward the event floor. He nodded to Chan on his way out and disappeared from view.

 

“Can I go comfort her?” Chan asked as they neared the turn that would lead them back to the event floor.

 

“I don’t know if it would be a good idea,” Minwoo answered and called out to Jinyoung. “Can he?” With a point from Chan to Tristan, Jinyoung gave a worried face and thought of what might happen between the two.

 

A few moments had passed before Jinyoung looked to Chan and gestured him to come over. Chan obeyed and walked up to the two. “The attack makes her a bit disconnected and detached so take that in mind when you’re talking to her, she might seem like she’s not listening but for the most part she’s just trying to calm down.”

 

_ “Tristan,” _ Chan called to her in an English-speaking accent.  _ “Are you okay?” _

 

Tristan stared into space, the adrenaline was starting to wear off and it tired her out. 

 

_ “Everything is okay now, Tristan. This isn’t Australia, we’re not in middle school anymore. No one is going to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you,”  _ Chan started as he put a hand on Tristan’s.  _ “Do you need anything?” _

 

Tristan shook her head. With a croaky voice, she replied,  _ “I’m just a bit tired is all.” _

 

_ “Are you okay to go back out there? Or do you want to take a bit more time to relax here?”  _

 

By this point, Jinyoung was surprised that Chan had gotten Tristan to even talk. Usually at this stage she’d remain silent for a while until she regained her energy.  _ “Let’s go back out there. I want to see Sanghyuk and the others when it’s their turn for archery.” _

 

Chan nodded and helped Tristan up onto her feet.  _ “You didn’t wear make up?” _

 

_ “I don’t like wearing it,”  _ Tristan answered quietly as she wiped her eyes.  _ “It’s annoying. Plus I don’t think it changes how I look anyways.” _

 

_ “Don’t worry, you look good with or without it,” _ Chan added and followed Tristan’s lead back out to the event floor. 

 

As they came back into the view of fans, Jinyoung and Minwoo stayed back at the sidelines. “Thank you,” Jinyoung said to Chan and gave him a pat on the back before letting him walk with Tristan to where their teams were.

 

“Thanks,” Tristan muttered, “I think I really needed those words to come from you.”

 

“Like I said, I’m here for you,” Chan reminded her and went on his separate way to join Stray Kids and TWICE while Tristan sat down next to Lumi and the others.

 

“You’re okay now?” Lumi asked as Tristan laid down on her lap. Tristan nodded. “Did Chan comfort you?” Tristan gave another nod. She was tired from everything and didn’t have the energy or care anymore to speak. “That’s good. Here, let’s cheer for VIXX.” Lumi gave Tristan of the VIXX lightsticks that Ravi had gifted them and Tristan naturally began to wave the lightstick to the beat of the fans’ chants.

 

“Were you with Tristan?” Minho asked as Chan sat down. 

 

“Not the whole time,” Chan answered as he watched Tristan. “Man, I feel really bad that this all happened because of me. Seeing her suffer like that, I just hate myself for it.”

 

“You’re trying to make it up to her, remember that,” Woojin reminded, “That’s the best you can do. You did a good job today.”


End file.
